by Cindy Myska, therapist and mother of two

I do not want to know. I am not ready. Leave me alone. What does all this mean? Where do I go from here with all of these feelings?

It means that you are afraid of the reality of your truth. You are willing to go so far until it begins to threaten the way of thinking that helps you to get rewards the way that you have been rewarded for so long. Being good. You are good, you get rewards. Being good, so good. Good mother, good therapist, good workshop leader, good friend, good wife, good child, good body, good, good, good.

Rewards are but vestiges of the past for you now and that is what you are having trouble letting go of. Rewards bring you to the ego level and they do not bring peace. They bring rewards, that is all, not love, not peace. Rewards reward you for being good, not for being. Reward is the fruit of your labor, you labor so long and hard and you are good and you get the reward. That is all.

It is too much for you to let go into the notion that you are love. It is not that you do not want to, it is that you are afraid that love will not be enough to get you a reward. Love will NOT be. Love will not get you a reward. In fact love will get you nothing. Nothing would have no reward, and no reminder of your inadequacy. Love would bring you nothing in the realm of reward.

Reward is for being good, love acknowledges who you are not what you do. Reward would have you try and struggle and labor. Love would have you be and be and be.

You are requiring yourself to look at the results of your belief that a reward is required. Reward is the notion that got you in trouble with yourself. You look for reward too often, rather than looking for peace inside yourself. Do you feel peace about something? Then it is right. Do you feel inadequate, anxious? Then you are looking in the wrong domain.

You are ready.

Image: Some rights reserved by yoga - photowork