You just had a major argument with your partner. Both of you are hurt and neither one of you feels understood. It is the same issue over and over again. Each time it presents itself, you feel yourself becoming a little more defensive, calloused, and disconnected than the time before. 

Sometimes it is difficult to really know why an issue continues to surface—maybe it is an inability to communicate thoughts and feelings effectively; maybe the two of you lack the skills to really listen to each other without judgment and attack.

No matter what the reason is, forgiveness is fundamental to resolving the issue at its core. This does not mean that we roll over and avoid our truth in response to our partner’s behavior or harsh words. To justify a hurtful situation for the sake of “keeping the peace” only clouds our clarity of what is really going on. It is said over and over again that we must embrace our truth. If our feelings are hurt, in that moment, that is our truth as we know it.

Forgiveness resolves our emotional wounds

Forgiveness is like a soft rain on a parched desert. It quenches, softens, and nourishes the whole environment. Sometimes our romantic relationships can feel like a desert. We have to be able to look past outside appearances and forgive the person, not their actions or words.

That kind of spiritual perspective keeps our emotions balanced our sense of empowerment intact. We feel more whole and will be able to communicate from a much more centered place. We will be able to see that our partner is learning how to love and do relationship just as we are. Emotionally, it is very healing when both people can truly hold that space for each other. 

What is forgiveness? 

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”  ~ Mark Twain 

Forgiveness is a state of mind. It is a decision to be conscious of all that we feel while being willing to have the slate wiped clean as many times as necessary. Forgiveness is a power that releases our minds to unify with our higher selves—the part of us that knows we are love.  

Forgiveness returns us back to our natural state, allowing us to perceive the true essence of our partner. In that place we can experience them as someone who is calling out for love. Their attacks and judgments won’t mean nearly as much to us as being able to see through their pain.

How do we forgive when we have been deeply hurt?

We must first decide whether or not we are willing to forgive our partner. If we are, then we enter the process of healing our own pain. Even though it can be overwhelming, it is necessary to fully explore all of what we feel. 

First, a trusted friend, family member, or professional therapist can facilitate our process in ways that we are unable to do on our own. They can offer us clear insight and perspective that can help us understand and grow from our romantic challenges. 

Second, prayer is another way that can help us to heal and forgive. Whatever we connect to, be it a higher power, God, Universe, nature spirits, we can ask the greater energy for healing within our heart and mind. Saying a prayer as a mantra can be very helpful in getting us out of the story and into truth.

Meditation is a third way to lead ourselves to real forgiveness. Sitting quietly, taking a walk, doing yoga or basic breathing exercises can assist us with mental and emotional purification. It is about seeking a level deeper than the level in which the hurtful situation occurred. Much of the energy can be shifted when we are quiet and still.

Real forgiveness requires inner work. The better we take care of emotional and mental bodies, the better we can nurture the spiritual health of our romantic relationships.

Forgiveness is an ongoing practice. When we really embrace it as such, it can lead us away from hurt and towards deeper love and union with our partner. 

Seasons of Change is a biweekly column from Jayne Clark addressing different topics each season. Spring’s focus is relationships. Jayne Clark works intuitively with clients to help them resolve issues regarding relationships, loss, grief, health, and career path. To learn more, head to jayneclark.com.

Image: Some rights reserved by Hamed Saber