Unmarried at 30 doesn’t have the stigma it used to
The average American life used to be lived on a predictable trajectory: high school, college, career/marriage happening concurrently or in rapid succession, nesting and kids, moving up the corporate ladder. But the generation of people in their early 30s or turning 30 soon is defying this timeline—and often, not intentionally. This group is marrying later or not (yet) at all, divorcing young and not (yet) remarrying, living with roommates well into their 30s, single parenting, attempting entrepreneurship, working in one career before starting over in a new one, and changing other traditions.
Americans are not generally comfortable with ambiguity: the lack of an answer or a societal prescription for how things should be really bothers the average American (if you doubt me, talk to someone about their diet. They don’t want to experiment; they want to know exactly what to eat.). In contrast, the Dutch are extremely comfortable with ambiguity in relationships. Professor Katie Roiphe, author of Uncommon Arrangements: Seven Marriages, and In Praise of Messy Lives, wrote recently about the Dutch and what Americans could learn about the Dutch approach to marriage. She says: “The Dutch attitude, which I like, is that marriage is not for everyone; it is a personal choice, an option, a pleasant possibility, but not marrying is not a failure, a great blot on your achievements in life, a critical rite of passage you have missed.”
Ambiguity doesn’t ask the question “will you get married?” because it doesn’t matter. The question is really “are you happy in relationship? are you happy out of relationship? what milestones in your life are you reaching?”
At 29, an unmarried woman living by herself with a dog, I’m squarely among those changing the average life trajectory of an American adult. After graduating a prestigious university, I started a career in journalism, moving to corporate-sponsored entrepreneurship before slowly forsaking my career by moving out of state for a relationship. From there, I entered my entrepreneurial phase, which continues as I now climb the corporate ladder—unmarried.
While women and men like me are more and more common among my generation, there remains a pervasive ideology that getting married is something to aspire to, and that women like me are simply putting off getting married, not forgoing the idea altogether. Which we may be. Or we may not be. But who really cares? Why should anyone outside of someone who wants to marry me care whether I marry or not?
The ambitions of the thirtysomething woman or man may not include a relationship. Travel, career, volunteerism are all ambitious dreams for many people, and a marriage may not fit into those plans. The achievements and rites of passage are different for each person, and a society that fails to take into account individuality is a society that fails its members in their pursuit of happiness.
Were we to forget for a moment factors outside of a committed relationship and just look at love, Roiphe notes “As a popular view, this laissez faire approach accommodates the vicissitudes of the heart, the changing nature of love, the great variety of forms attachments take in real life.” Love is ambiguous. Love is not and has never been solely the romantic love of a man and woman—or same-sex couple—connecting and marrying; but the love between friends, roommates, and cousins has also never been so important to a group of people as it is to thirtysomethings.
Friends are family for thirtysomethings. These deep friendships are as important a form of attachment, love, and partnership as marriage. These close friendships are critical to my happiness, well-being, and health (similar to the ways in which committed partners benefit each other).
Thirtysomethings’ messy lives are changing expectations, norms, and life trajectories. The thirtysomething way is something to strive for: the acceptance of ambiguity and embracing of unique and varied love and experiences is the new way of American life.
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